Breastfeeding older children, nursing manners, mother-led weaning (and a bit about ditching the dummy).

Quite often a mum will post on our Facebook group about her concerns regards feeding her older baby/ child.  The poster will likely be a mother who has breastfed beyond a year - often for a good deal longer than that.  These posters are mothers who have sustained breastfeeding despite living in a culture which is incredibly unsupportive of it, particularly when your baby is more than a few months old.  These mums have 'bucked' a trend.  They're in a tiny minority.  They are well-informed and caring.  

Sometimes the mother will have found out that she's pregnant and has mixed feelings about breastfeeding through pregnancy.  She may say she's feeling increasingly antsy and isn't enjoying breastfeeding anymore.  Perhaps she wants to conceive another child and hasn't been successful whilst breastfeeding.  Perhaps she has had another child and is now finding tandem feeding a struggle.  So she posts on the group, and what happens?  Amongst a host of caring comments there will likely be one or two which will (essentially) accuse her of being selfish.  Of not putting her child's needs first.

'Mother-Led' weaning is an emotive topic!

So what *is* weaning?  Well, it sort of depends on where you live.  In the UK/ Ireland we generally use the term weaning to describe the introduction of solid foods to babies.  In the US the term is usually taken to mean the process of bringing breastfeeding to an end.  If you think about it though, those two definitions have a lot in common.  As soon as you start to give your child anything other than your breast milk in their diet you begin to enable them to sustain themselves without you.  You begin the process of weaning.

Weaning (introducing solids) is a bit like riding a bike.  Whilst you're exclusively breastfeeding, you're the one riding the bike - with your little passenger on board.  Once you start introducing solids your little child begins to learn to ride their own bike, using breastfeeding as 'stabilisers'.  How long their stabilisers stay on for will vary from child to child - but even at the tender age of a few months old - the process of weaning has begun with the introduction of solids.  The child is getting some calories from an additional source to the breast.  One way or another, every breastfeeding mum who has given their child solids has begun to 'wean' their baby off the breast - even though completing the process may take years.  It's a big deal (and one I'm thinking about this a lot lately as my 5.5 month old is about ready for solids now and it's almost time to begin the process).

Despite what the Daily Mail would like us to think, all children - left to their own devices - will stop breastfeeding eventually.  The timescale will vary for each individual child, but weaning is a natural process that really does take place without adult intervention.  Solid food gradually replaces breast milk in their diets, their immune system matures so it no longer requires the additional support it receives from breast milk, and the comfort of the breast ceases to be as important to them as it once was.  They take their stabilisers off and ride their own bikes.  In an ideal world and an ideal senario our children would breastfeed to their hearts content as often and for as long as they want.

But is that really an ideal senario ?

(sharp intake of breath)

For some people, yes it really is.  Their children grow up and continue to be breastfed on 'demand' (on cue), the child eventually self-weans, and everyone's happy.  

But if everyone is *not* happy?

The other day I was in the supermarket and my 3 year old (who has been 'nearly weaned' for about 2 years now!) announced 'I want boobie'.  

SAY WHAT?!?!?!?!? 

This is the child who stopped breastfeeding completely for 12 weeks when I was pregnant with her sister, who fought the breast for the first seven months of her life.  This is the child who proudly announced to me the previous day that she was giving her dolly a bottle because 'all babies get bottles' :-O 

This is the child who occasionally asks for a feed in the mornings and then complains that I don't have any milk  (er - so what's your ebf sister living on then I ask? Thin air?!?!).  

Anyways, in the middle of aisle 12 she announces she 'wants boobie'.  And (shockingly) I say 'No - 'I'll buy you a cupcake when we've finished the shopping'.  

Now there are probably some women out there who are completely ok with breastfeeding their 3 year olds in the middle of the supermarket (and more power to you girls) but myth-buster though I am, I'm afraid it's just not going to happen...  Fortunately my daughter was content to wait for her cupcake (cake is her weak spot).  Phew.  


Would I have fed her in the supermarket if she'd not been?  No.  I would have been really uncomfortable to do that.  In an ideal world it would be no big deal - but this is not an ideal world.  Breastfeeding my younger child raises enough eyebrows here.  I'm a great believer in normalising breastfeeding, but I'm going to take it one step at a time thank you very much.  When did I become uncomfortable feeding my eldest out and about?  I think she was between 18 months and two years old.  Sad but true.  I didn't want to stop breastfeeding, but I did need to (subtly) put some limits on when and where.  Considering that breastfeeding rates here are amongst the very worst in Europe I don't feel I did too badly.

Breastfeeding a three year old in a supermarket is an extreme senario I grant you, but some mums even find themselves struggling with the idea of saying 'no' in their own living room.  They might have guests who they'd rather not feed in front of or maybe they're just feeling 'touched out'.  Should these mothers feel bad for not wanting to breastfeed every time they're asked to?  At what point does breast feeding cease to be 'life sustaining' and become 'life enriching'?  

When do we STOP 'demand' feeding?

After our supermarket experience I talked to my daughter and told her that she can feed at home if she wants to, but she's not to ask when we're out and about because I'll just say no (remember I'm also feeding her sister now).  Do I feel bad about saying this?  Well - shoot me now - no!  I believe that no relationship is static.  Every relationship evolves, breastfeeding ones too - and I believe they should.

I willingly feed my 5.5 month old wherever and whenever she needs me to.  Her wants are her needs.  Is the same true of my older daughter though?  I do not believe so - though others may disagree.

The early months and years of breastfeeding are all about the needs of the child - they have to be.  The young child has not got the capacity to understand 'in a minute' - they need to nurse NOW!  Their need for security and closeness is paramount and it's vital for their mental well-being.  However, an older child is hopefully better equipped to be flexible about timings.  With luck all those secure foundations you have helped them to lay down in babyhood stand them in good stead here. 

Healthy human relationships are built around love, empathy and mutual respect - and this is where I think breastfeeding can play an important role in teaching older children about relationships.  By putting some boundaries on my daughter's breastfeeding I am (hopefully!) helping her to understand that healthy attachment doesn't mean 'ownership', but rather 'relationship'.  If I say 'no' to her, it doesn't mean our breastfeeding relationship is over - but I am guiding her towards respecting and interpreting my emotions and adjusting her behaviour a little.  I suppose you might say I'm also teaching her that older children should not be nursed in public - and (reluctantly) I tend to agree with you.  However, I find I have to teach her many things about the world I would rather not.


'Not now' is not the same thing as 'not ever'.  My arms and my heart are always open, but sometimes I prefer to keep my shirt closed.  I believe it's good that my daughter learns to choose her moment with regard to the situation and someone else's feelings.  It's a pretty useful life-skill to learn in my opinion.  

'Children who are empathic tend to do better in school, in social situations, and in their adult careers. Children and teenagers who have the greatest amount of skill at empathy are viewed as leaders by their peers. The best teachers of that skill are the children's parents.' ~ Dr L.Kutner

Healthy relationships take into consideration the needs of two people, not just one.  Of course in this senario one of those people is considerably older and better equipped to cope with change than the other, but as far as I'm concerned this simply means I have the opportunity to demonstrate to my daughter that:

• flexibility is possible, 
• relationships can evolve, and 
• change doesn't have to be scary or bad.

Mums who tandem feed children of different ages quite often find themselves in the position where they feel they want to cut back on feeds with their older child.  Are you going to sit in judgement?  I'm certainly not!  If it's a case of cutting back or stopping breastfeeding then I'm all for cutting back..  Sometimes the feelings of jealousy experienced when a baby comes along can send an older child scurrying back to the breast with a vengeance leaving their mother feeling quite overwhelmed.

'In most young children the mere sight of mother holding another baby in her arms is enough to elicit strong attachment behaviour. The older child insists on remaining close to his mother, or on climbing on to her lap. Often he behaves as though he were a baby.' ~ Bowlby

A mum recently asked my opinion about how to cope with an older child who was distraught at not being able to breastfeed as often as they wanted to.  Often mums relent and feed their child (reluctantly) because they're upset and I totally understand why they do.  They are loving parents who believe firmly in breastfeeding and they feel a huge amount of guilt connected to saying no.  Sometimes the older child is not that old - perhaps not yet two.  At such a young age it is very unlikely that they will be able to rationalise the same way that an older child can, and this is important to bear in mind.  However, it is still a fact that a mother who breastfeeds reluctantly has subjugated their own feelings in order to breastfeed their older child.

Mothers put their own needs second ALL. THE. TIME.  It's what we do.  However, is it always right that we never express negative emotions about nursing?  If we aren't allowed to express these emotions, then how can we ever begin to resolve them?  

If you are struggling with an issue like this then I guarantee you that your child has picked up on your struggle whether you have mentioned it or not.  Your guilt is very likely making the situation worse.  Your reluctance to breastfeed will have been noted by your careful little observer, and it may even make them more anxious and needy.  This only serves to compound the problem.  So if you really feel you have to put boundaries on your relationship, then I think it's important to do so with confidence and not with guilt, because that will inspire confidence in your child.

'Sometimes, parents need to act brave even if they don’t feel brave. An important and helpful message for an anxious child to receive from a parent is that the parent has confidence both in the child and in the situation.'  ~ K. Eugster MA.

If you're struggling to find reasons to continue breastfeeding and are in need of a 'pep talk' - perhaps some of the information here will be helpful.  If you're in a situation where you're feeding your two year old (example) 6 times a day and you'd rather cut it down a bit, then there are some things you can do.  The most common method seems to be 'don't offer, don't refuse'.  However, this doesn't work for everyone.  Here are some other ideas.

• Talk to them. This is a relationship after all!  They may or may not be able to engage in a detailed conversation on the subject, but you may be surprised at how empathetic your little person can be. 
• Explain that your breasts are part of your body, and that although you are happy to be able to share them with your family, sometimes you would like to have them just for you.
• Think ahead - distraction is a very powerful tool.  If nursing is their way of getting your undivided attention then find another vehicle for that (eg. read them a book, ask them if they had any dreams last night etc)
• Rather than saying a straight 'no' try saying 'not now - let's do x/y/ z first (name appealing activity) and we can nurse later'.
• Be alert to the possibility of growth spurts in older children.  Remember that they sometimes need to nurse more because of developmental or emotional challenges, so choose your moment.  If (for example) your child has just started daycare outside the home, it's probably not the best time to decide to drop their evening feed...
• Decide which feed is likely to be the easiest to drop and then ditch that first.  You might find it's easiest to change your routine or be in a distracting environment around that time for a while.
• Be clear.  If you have decided you don't want to do that feed, then changing your mind if they get upset won't help at all.  In fact I would argue it will confuse them more in the long run.  Try to stay calm, getting upset yourself will make it worse :(  It might be helpful to enlist some help from your other half or a trusted friend at this point to dilute the situation.
• If they get upset, try to remember the big picture.  If you're genuinely struggling to continue breastfeeding then you pretty much owe it to your child to cut back.  You don't want to risk flipping out altogether as that will be even harder for your child.
• Take time to properly 'connect' with your child outside of breastfeeding.  Look them in the eye - really listen to what they're saying.  Spend extra time with them.  It's important.

But what if you succeed in cutting back feeds and then find you're still having problems coping with feeding your older child?  What if you find you want to (whisper) *end breastfeeding*?

When a mother initiates the end of breastfeeding it's known as 'mother-led' weaning.  Most mother-led weaning in our culture seems to take place in the early days or weeks after birth.  At this point the baby isn't in much of a position to put up serious resistance to being weaned, even though the process will probably cause them distress.  If you choose to wean an older child you may encounter considerably more difficulty.  It occurs to me that our culture is now so bad at breastfeeding that we have not only forgotten how to do it - but we've also lost the wisdom about how to wean older children gently.  

The La Leche League information on weaning toddlers is here.  It includes a number of suggestions about ways to make the process gentler on both of you.  Having never weaned a child off the breast I can't talk from personal experience of this, but I can give you the example of our experience weaning my eldest girl off her (*gasp*) dummy.  (Before you judge me, please know that I HATED that dummy, and there were reasons - we all make mistakes bla bla bla)

Here's how we did it: 

• We talked about it.  I told her that it was starting to made me feel uncomfortable.  She told me that she liked it.
• I mentioned to her that Santa collected dummies at Christmas and was happy to provide gifts in return. (to those who disapprove of Santa , can we talk about this later?)
• I discussed the possibility of posting the dummy to Santa in advance of Christmas whereupon he had agreed to post her an early present.
• We discussed the present she might get in detail - she chose it.
• I left it at that for a couple of months until she decided she wanted the present more than the dummy.
• I made sure she knew that her decision to stop was final.
• I let her put her dummies into an envelope and we really did post them to 'Santa'.
• He really did send her a present.

Even though this is weaning off a dummy and not a breast, my point is that we went through a PROCESS and she was actively involved.  She had power.  Yes, I planted the seed, but the decision to end her dummy use was ultimately hers.  There was a 'ceremony' (the posting of the dummies) and she got something out of it - a present that she really wanted.  Using the same senario, if you wanted to end breastfeeding you might:

• Talk about it with your child.  Discuss your feelings with them and let them share theirs with you.  Discuss a date (if appropriate) and a possible weaning gift.
• Provide heaps of reassurance.  Don't say 'you must', say 'I'd like it if...'.
• Leave it for a bit - let your child digest the information without additional pressure from you.
• Discuss the (theoretical) gift from time to time - perhaps it could be a trip somewhere exciting or a really special toy.  Remember this is a big deal for both of you so it deserves to be something significant.
• In the meantime, you might try cutting back on breastfeeds by using distraction/ changing your daily routine.
• Offer additional snacks and drinks to help preempt hunger or thirst. 
• When the time is right, mark the event with something tangible - give them their promised gift...  Allow your child to say goodbye.
• Tell them how proud you are that they were able to make sure an important transition so well, if appropriate you might even thank them for helping you resolve the issue.  
• Remember to be attentive and 'present' for them throughout the process (pointless thing to say probably, of course you will!).

Some people choose to mark weaning from the breast with some sort of ceremony.  This might be nice regardless of how weaning comes about (mother-led or child-led).  An example of a Jewish ceremony is here.  Obviously you can choose your own words and form to suit your own beliefs.  Remember, ending breastfeeding is not 'risk free'.  Many of the protective qualities of breastfeeding for both you and your child are 'dose specific', so the longer you breastfeed the lower the risks are (more on this is here).  Bear this in mind when you make your decisions.  

I know there will be elements of this post which some people are likely to take issue with.  I'm not claiming to have all the answers, but I hope that some of my suggestions will be food for thought.  

EMERGENCY WEANING:  If you find yourself in a situation where you absolutely have to stop feeding quickly, you should seek professional lactation support ASAP.  This can help you to establish whether total weaning is actually necessary (there may be a way around it), and they can help you to avoid some of the pitfalls (risks) of sudden weaning for you and your child.  Contact your local LLL leader, a breastfeeding counsellor (numbers are on the sidebar of this blog), or a lactation consultant for support.  Some resources to help you deal with this are here, here, and here. 


You might be wondering why I wanted to write about this at all.  Why wouldn't I?  Every mother is different.  In the rest of the animal kingdom it's the same.  Some mother cats will start to leave their kittens at 3-5 weeks, but some will happily nurse for 10 weeks or until their kittens turn their backs on nursing.  So when a mum is struggling with negative feelings about nursing an older child, let's not all jump down her throat, eh?  If she has really made up her mind that she wants to end breastfeeding, then we should respectfully do all we can to offer support that helps her to do it as kindly and as gently as she can.  Sometimes just knowing you have options makes it easier to cope.

Suggested reading:  
Breastfeeding Older Children (Ann Sinnott)
The Nursing Mother's Guide to Weaning (Kathleen Huggins and Linda Ziedrich)